Katya Karpenko in English → My Teenager Won't Talk to Me: What Helps, Week by Week

My Teenager Won't Talk to Me: What Helps, Week by Week

Katya (Ekaterina) Karpenko — teen psychologist, systemic family therapist, EFT therapist · updated 18 October 2026

"Fine." Door. Is this a phase, or did I cause it?

He comes in from school, says hi to the fridge, and his door closes. At dinner he keeps one earbud in. You ask how the day went and hear "fine, Mum, can I go now?" for the fourth time this week.

Then one evening you count back and realise you honestly don't know what has been going on with him for about a month. That's usually the moment parents write to me.

I'll say it straight: a quiet house frightens most mothers more than a loud one.

But at thirteen or fifteen, a closed door is very often part of growing up. He is working out who he is without you watching, and he wants to check that he can be himself without a full report every night. It comes out clumsy and sometimes rude, and it's still within normal.

There's a physical side as well. The parts of a teenage brain that handle feelings are already working at adult strength, and the parts that help put feelings into words, or sit through an awkward pause, take a few more years to mature. So when he says "fine", he often isn't hiding anything. He just doesn't have the words yet.

What is the silence made of?

In my experience it's almost never one reason. First, he may simply not know what he feels, and "fine" is easier to say than "I don't know".

Second, he needs a part of his life that nobody inspects, and saying nothing is the easiest way for a fourteen-year-old to keep that part private. Third, school drains him. After a day of lessons and classmates and group chats, there's very little talk left in him by the evening.

And fourth, he remembers how your past conversations went. If a chat about his day used to turn into a talk about homework within a couple of minutes, he has learned to skip the chat. It's worth asking yourself honestly: what usually happened after he told you something?

"Talk to me, I'm your mother!" versus "Fine, I can be silent too"

Most of us try one of two things. The first is pressure: "What's going on with you? Why won't you answer me?" It nearly always makes him more guarded, and sometimes it ends in shouting that sets you both back by weeks.

The second is going quiet in return, out of hurt. That turns ordinary teenage silence into a punishment, and he learns that a relationship can be put on pause when someone is upset.

What works is much less dramatic. Say short things that don't need an answer, do ordinary things in the same room, and make sure he knows where to find you. A simple "I'm in the kitchen if you want me" tends to do more than any number of "how are you?" questions.

Week by week: what do I actually do?

I suggest thinking in weeks rather than hoping for one big conversation. Here is the order I give parents. Stay on each step until it feels like a habit before you add the next one.

Week 1: fewer questions, and your own worry first. Keep it to one question a day and make it about something specific, like the chemistry test or the match on Saturday, because specific questions get answered more often.

Before you go and talk to him, let your own worry out somewhere else: call a friend, or write the fears on paper. Teenagers hear panic in a parent's voice straight away.

Week 2: side by side instead of face to face. Teenagers tend to talk in the car, at the cooker, on a walk with the dog, while you're both putting a shelf together. Sitting across a table from a parent feels too much like being questioned.

Agree with yourself beforehand that grades, tidying, the phone and old arguments won't come up during these times.

Week 3: listen without grading. When something does come, don't rush to advice or a conclusion. "Mm", "really?" and "so what did you do?" are enough. Even a positive verdict cuts a story short. End the talk first. Ten calm minutes beat an hour that ends in a fight.

Week 4 and after: stay available. Be around, and don't take it personally if he walks past. Teenagers turn up suddenly and at the wrong time, often late in the evening when you're already half asleep. Hold out for those moments. Trust gets built in them.

What do I do with my own hurt while I wait?

Admit it plainly: the silence is hardest on the adult. Your teen is mostly fine in it, busy with inner work they can't describe yet. You have lost the daily proof that things are all right.

That's why a parent starts filling the quiet with questions, and every extra question closes the door a little more. The way out is your own life. Silence rings loudest when you spend the whole evening waiting for a door to open. A busy adult bears the pauses more easily, and a teen feels calmer next to one.

When did you last spend an evening on something of your own, without listening for footsteps in the hall?

At 10–12, 13–14 and 15+

10–12. Silence is usually short and tied to an event: a fight with a friend, a bad day, a teacher's remark. Ask about the event, not about feelings: "Did something happen at break today?" A child this age still wants you to know the facts.

13–14. This is the peak of territory. A closed door is normal, and so is a phone face down. Knock and wait for an answer. Respecting the door is often what lets a teen open it later.

15 and older. One-word answers can last for months, and that's within the range of normal. Talks happen on the move, when nobody is looking at anybody. Offer lifts, errands, a late walk, and don't turn each one into a chance for questions.

Which course helps a parent whose teen has gone quiet?

No recorded course will make a teenager talk. What it can change is the parent's side: how you react, what you stop saying, how you hold your own alarm. My courses are for the parent and are recorded in Russian, with English versions in preparation; this is how they map onto silence.

• Silence that alternates with outbursts and a slammed door: the teen emotions course.
• Silence after fights about rules, privacy and the phone: the boundaries course.
• Silence together with "I'm not good at anything": the confidence course.
• Lots of small questions and no time for a full course: the webinar recording "35 questions about raising a teenager", in Russian, two and a half hours of answers, each one standalone. It has no tasks or feedback.

All the courses are explained in English on the course overview. If talk at home mostly works and you've just run out of topics, read conversation cards or a course instead. And if the silence is about trust after something went wrong between you, start with how to rebuild trust with a teenage daughter.

Katya's exercise: two minutes about your own day

Every evening for a week, tell your teen about your day for two minutes. Something small and real: a funny thing on the bus, a dull meeting, what annoyed you at the shop. Say it while you're doing something nearby, not standing in the doorway waiting.

Then stop. Don't finish with "and how about you?" and don't wait for a reply. This brings talk back into the house and shows the kind of conversation you're offering: light, with no exam at the end.

What not to do: don't count out loud how many times he answered, and don't remind him later of something you heard in those minutes as an argument.

When is silence a reason to see a specialist?

Use three measures. Length: a reaction lasts days, a real difficulty holds for weeks after the trigger has passed. Width: the silence isn't only with you but with friends and messages as well, and sleep, appetite or school are slipping too. Direction: nothing is easing, although you have already changed how you talk.

If two or three of these are true, see a teen psychologist. The first meeting can be for the parent alone, and you can tell your teen honestly that you're going to sort out your own part. If your child is in danger right now, call your local emergency number.

This page is general information for parents. It is not medical advice or a diagnosis. If your child is in danger right now, call your local emergency number.

Katya Karpenko

teen psychologist, systemic family therapist, EFT therapist

I work with the family as a system: what happens with a teenager is almost always tied to how talking works at home, so change starts with the adult. I run closed online groups for teenagers and a separate group for parents, and I write books for teens and their parents. I'm a mother of two teenagers myself.

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